"I AM 1 IN 4"

Once again we have lost another pregnancy.

Okay, it’s been a long time since I’ve written, and a lot of crazy stuff has happened, some good, some bad. Anyways, I knew that one day I'd write this blog. 7 confirmed pregnancy test. But only 4 births. Yes, I'm the mother of 7 beautiful children. I am blessed with children here on earth, and I'm blessed to have children in Heaven. I am 1 in 4. I'm opening up a part of my heart to the world that I've kept closed too long.

On May 15th( a day after my birthday)I found out I was pregnant a day after I missed my period. For the record weren't trying, and I was scared and confused about my feelings. I'll be honest I was terrified. We already had 4. Michael was okay with the thought of having another. I cried. We really didn't need another one at the time. That first night I went to bed crying with Michaels hand rubbing my belly and telling me everything was gonna be fine. Shortly afterwards I found myself looking at baby clothes, and We were even discussing names. The excitement was starting to really kick in.
 

Then one July day I went to the emergency room with strong pain and bleeding. I was sitting in the waiting room and started bleeding everywhere. To the point they had to call for clean up. I remember asking God to either stop the bleeding or just hurry up and take the baby, I had already had enough with a miscarriage a few years before. Finally we got called back. They had me pee in a cup and put on a hospital gown, the whole work up. Then they took me for a scan.

I was rolled into the ultrasound technician’s room and he placed the cold ultrasound probe on my small pregnant bump. For about 5 minutes he pushed buttons, took measurements, but didn't say a thing to me. I was getting irritated and asked him if everything was alright. He said I had to talk to my doctor. My heart sank. He squinted at the screen. He said he would be right back. I think I knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. I laid on that hospital bed it seemed like 30 long minutes before anyone came and rolled me back to my room. I sit hand in hand with Michael just looking at the door knowing the enormous possibility that we lost our baby. Then the door handle moved. That's when the ER doctor came in to give me my results. "I am so sorry but we found no heartbeat." Words that will forever haunt me. The flood of tears ran down.  Part of me actually felt very emotionless. I felt numb. I felt betrayed, once again, by my body. We lost our baby. I lost another baby. Was it a boy or girl?? Was it my fault?? What did I do wrong??

At home I climbed into bed. I cried and I felt pure GUILT. I am MOM. I am supposed to protect my child. I cried and cried. I laid in bed most of the day and then got up to to take a shower. I know it’s strange, but the shower is where I go whenever I am really upset or hurt. It makes me feel better and is a good place to pray and be alone. I remember sitting there in the tub letting the shower water run all over my head, crying and wondering why this had happened. What did I do?? Why did God allow this to happen once again?? I was upset with God. I felt  like God had given me something and then changed his mind.

 It was then that I remembered a verse from the Bible: “…the Lord gave and the lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). I realized that God had given me this baby, He could also choose to take it home to be with Him if that was His will. I had a sudden peace at the thought.

More than one in seven pregnancies result in miscarriage. Miscarriage seems so rare until you find out it isn't and for that reason alone people should know that it CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. I am 27and have had no surgeries or medical complications in my life and still, I went through this 3 times.                   
 

Sadly miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and no one understands it. Sharing stories of miscarriage often helps those who are grieving heal, and those who may be in the midst feel connected.
 

 Sources vary, but many estimate that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; and some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss. 

Although statistics can vary slightly from one source to the next, here is a general account (based primarily on information provided by the March of Dimes) of the frequency of miscarriages in the United States:

•       There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. every year.
•       900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year.
•       More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage (occurring during the first 20 weeks).
•       Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth (considered stillbirth after 20 weeks)
•       Approximately 19,000 end in infant death during the first month.
•       Approximately 39,000 end in infant death during the first year.
•       Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss.
•       Approximately 75% of all miscarriages occur in the first trimester.
•       An estimated 80% of all miscarriages are single miscarriages.  The vast majority of women suffering one miscarriage can expect to have a normal pregnancy next time.
•       An estimated 19% of the adult population has experienced the death of a child (this includes miscarriages through adult-aged children).